And just when you think you're starting to get your shit together...

so then the door hits you on the way out. cold steel against your scantily clad bottom- it ALWAYS hits you on the way out, as if to say "you weren't wanted here anyways"- and the one place I never let them in becomes the one place I can truly hide- perhaps I did this on purpose? as if I was planning for this eventuality because I knew I was too fucked up to make it work. as if someone like me could ever make it work- but maybe that's really me talking instead of the alcohol, because God-damn, I am one morbid sonuvabich. So what do you do when all signs point to you waving goodbye as you flush four years of pain, suffering, and the most fulfilling relationship you're ever experienced down the drain? Drink. Heavily. Drunk dial anyone you ever thought seriously about even as a friend to let them know how much they meant to you, because for all you know this could be the last time you give enough of a fuck about anything to tell them just how much they helped you deal with all the fucked up shit in your life. But no- you chose to face all the monsters and your partner in crime didn't run away, no- they hid behind you as you fought the monsters off and battled through all the problems alone and tried to drown out all the abandonment issues you both had and all the impossible tears behind the music, because songs don't count as admissions of weakness, no- they're the one safe expression of self that's left in the world thanks to the record companies selling out every last one of their so-called stars to pre-recorded messages and glitter to make top-download quality hits on itunes. as if it weren't enough that I lose one of the few people who I actually gave a damn about, now I'm having to accept the fact that my soul-mate and I just want different things in life- fuck love, it's a bitch and a bitch will never do you right. So why should I keep trying? Keep propping up this propaganda under the guise of "true love", of "destiny", that one solid proof that we aren't responsible for this shit-hole we're born into and trapped in for life. THAT is the irony behind the phrase "life sentence , as in sentenced to life, as in you aren't worthy of death- the best punishment we could cook up for you is forcing you to live with yourself till you die of natural causes or being raped by a massive black dick one too many times- whichever happens first. So fuck life. fuck love. fuck restraint. and fuck anyone who says they give a shit because they don't. in fact- most people go their entire lives without experiencing a truly self sacrificing love- that is the truest form of love, a love that cares more for other than for self. think on that, you over-privileged assholes. The choice to move on from a long term dis-functional relationship means the destruction of one of us, literally  one of us has to move out, or corrode under the strains of watching the other move on- there is no happy ending to this.

introduction to a short story I'm considering writing, we'll see what happens.

Boredom is like morphine, it numbs away your very sensibility and leaves you heaving and writhing in dizzy fits of ecstasy and agony- like a scratchy old blanket it smothers you irritating even deepest fiber of your being; like some creature or organism that is crawling beneath your epidermis- writhing and clawing to get out, until the point when you feel like you're going to explode- but then you don't.

Sleep- that bitch of a lover who never comes when you call and is nowhere to be found when you most need her, yes these are the things that make us human, these are the truest pangs of our existence- not love or suffering, not anything so grandiose as all of that- something much simpler, so much so that it might escape us by slipping from the shadow of one white blood cell to the next until our curiosity becomes exhausted in our great search- no, quest for reason in this blinding insanity we refer to as life. Yet how does she do it? How does she lure us in with her comforting abyss after depraving us of our vitality even our sanity is not sacrosanct to her wiles while at play preying upon our feeble little minds- too timid yet to solve even our basest of problems combating our most basic instinct when called into play by our natural desires- Yes, these are the things we have little control over except for those who are strong or smart enough to fight it with every breath, and with every breath distort the lies until they have yet again become some sort of truth in someone's bleary eyes- yet are we all so blinded and impaired  bound and gagged by our own sick minds and dark perversions? Where does it all stop?

When will it again become prevalent that our children be like-minded of each-other and our homes all freshly painted with a well maintained auto in the driveway and a kitchen amply ready to satisfy even the most challenging of appetites? These are the things I wander over in my mind over and over again while I lounge here listlessly just trying to think straight but without thinking, to-
She started from her self absorbed reverie as one of her grandmothers' tacky ceramic vases collided with the ground propelling a smattering of water droplets up the front of her frock and dousing her worn boots to a quite calamitous end. It did her mind good to watch the depictions of smirking cherubs shatter, never again could they scorn her for her shortcomings.

Maybe someday I'll get motivated- until then, reddit. ^.^

I made a new meme a few days ago, I am waiting till I make a couple more to post it anywhere though. >.> so much stuff to do.

a mothers day post

-it's official. every one's stupid, and I hate stupid people. therefore I hate everyone. I will now continue to ignore the worlds existence until I regain some minuscule shred of hope that humanity is not entirely comprised of knuckle dragging, hair flipping, self absorbed mal-contents who talk for the soul purpose of hearing themselves speak- so that they may then congratulate themselves on how informed they sound when talking out their rectal Orifice. p.s. happy mothers day you nagging banshee's, we get it, you pushed us out your vagina's, and we appreciate your sacrifice, but if we'd known that you'd never fucking let us live it down, we would have saved you all the trouble and just strangled ourselves with our own umbilical cords. I hope you all had a great fucking day being the center of attention for a brief little moment in your bleak little excuse for an existence.

I hate all of you. >.<

Sometimes I just need some peace of mind, some love for my soul, and some rest for my eyes.

It's been a long three weeks, I honestly can't sort out what started it and why- but it's just been a long three weeks. My body has gone on strike again, so I haven't been able to sleep more than a couple hours at a time, mostly I just lay there half aware and mostly unconscious while my mind spasms like an epileptic at a strip club. I've decided I have too many people who think they're entitled to me, and I need to tell them to go place all their intentions in their sphincters, in place of the oddly shaped stick occupying that cavernous area of their anatomy at present.

"X just want to be left alooooooneeee."

I am X, therefore I just want to be left alone:

[ ] True

[ ] False

-Most people take one look at me and choose "False", ignoring the logical factorign process completely, and to them the answer is in fact: "True"
But to those who have the necesary mental facilities to understand the answer is in fact "True", the answer then becomes "False" due to a hidden varient of sub-category A(I.E. the paragraph preceding above statement which reads:
"X has realized that most other factors are irrational, and the irrational factors are prone to illogical equations, therefore unless the factors in question are rational, X just wants to be left alooooooneeeee."
Once one has factored in all varients including those of Sub-category A, one will realize that the answer is in fact Sub-category B:

[ ] True, but only by factors found to be irrational.

I am X, I just want to be left alone- by factors found to be irrational.

...boys and their penises. -_-

I've been due to upgrade my cell for a while now, due to some troubles along the way, this morning my dear friend and roommate Melvin was supposed to bring me to get it taken care of.
First time I went to check in on him he was pissed off over a mutual friend using a pet name for him on his facebook wall(quite a travesty if you ask me, how DARE she use a nickname for him on his FACEBOOK where EVERYONE can see it!!! Heaven FORBID any sorry soul pick up on it and tease him... just like in junior high('cause you KNOW everyone still acts exactly like that(at least everyone with a penis))) so I did the one thing you CAN do in a situation like that- I backed away slowly and told him to breathe. So a while later I go back upstairs to check and see if he's ready to go yet, and he's blasting music and jerking off to porn. -.-
Now I realize that everyone has their way of dealing with things- but REALLY?
It's a good thing I knocked this time.
So now I'm sitting bored an hour after the time we were supposed to leave and I have only this to say- ...Boys and their penises.

Hello love! -you suck.

The funny thing about love is, you never really know where you stand.
For instance- you could go your whole life THINKING you know what it is, but all it takes is one little momentary shift or re-alignment to get it ALL mixed up in your head again, until you realize that either you aren't truly as in love as you'd previously imagined yourself to be, or you are helplessly more in love than you'd originally intended.

Furthermore even if you DO somehow manage to figure it ALL out for a moment, you won't USUALLY have ANY guaranty that your level of emotion will be reciprocated by them in this, or any other lifetime for that matter; and even if you manage all this and they DO feel the same, it only takes a moment to send you spinning round about your head again.

So all I have to say on THAT little bit of nonsense is-
Be kind, rewind- and have a good long think before diving willie-nilly into anything you can't either swim through, or climb out of if it's not really what's best for the pair of you.

P.S. -partway through writing that I adopted a Cockney accent... O.o JUST thought you should know... X)

Things we have to do before the "end of the world" ;P

~. night out on the town
!. Formal Bowling
@. Kiss in the Rain
#. Go on a date with a cute stranger
$. See a movie at the drive in( must have fun.)
%. watch "the grand affair" while sipping red wine, eating dark chocolate and strawberries.
^. go ice skating in faerie princess costumes.
&. go on an idilic picnic complete with kite making and flying.
*. play cowgirls and indians.
(. get shitfaced.
). go camping.
-. baby frikkin motorcycle penguins.

"I spit in this beer"

Lately one of my roomates has been eating the groceries my boyfriend, brother, and I share, generally I'm broke and starving if I don't force feed you when you're around me, but I have a hard enough time trying to keep the three of us fed. The other day I got a 2 liter of a&w 'cause it was about a quarter more expensive than a 20 oz and sometimes- I just need rootbeer. Well wouldn't you know, the fucker drank all of it in a day and a half, and I got maybe one drink. That- is just wrong.
I still want rootbeer.
BAD. T.T

I'm starting to feel like a paranoid and over-protective cave woman gaurding her clan(or whatever the proper term for cave person neo-familia is)'s provisions; you know, finding creative "out of sight, out of mind" places to hide our food so he doesn't get it- but doesn't feel like we're hiding it from him either. I'm also beginning to relate to the chipmunks... you know, with the face stuffing and the hoarding? Yeah- you know it's bad when you start shouting at people in your head... and sometimes putting orephesis in creative locations that are entirely new to human anatomy... -Also, he took the tv I've been borrowing from our other roommate so I can play my 360, and the lack of gamage is making me twitchy and slightly more inclined to violent action.

(!>.> -_-' <,< ? )

"Babble babble bitch bitch

Rebel rebel party party

Sex sex sex and don't forget the "violence"

Blah blah blah got your lovey-dovey sad-and-lonely

Stick your STUPID SLOGAN in:

Everybody sing along..."


~*~----------------------------------------~fin~----------------------------------------~*~

oh craigslist...

One of my roommates took the tv I had been borrowing from one of my other roommates, so for the past week I haven't been able to play my xbox, which sucks especially badly since I'm working in a videogame store.
SO I have once again been forced into the clutches of craiglist... and beyond... O.o
One posting read;
'30" tv, TV is in good shape. The only problem is the color. It shows in black and white, or purple and green. Send me an email to come scoop it up!'
as strangly attracted as I am to the idea of a tv that displays in purple and green- it simply will not display my games to their best advantage, so I'm afraid It's not the tv for me.